I'm going to jail i love you
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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