I murdered the dance floor call the cops
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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