i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
