Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
