I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
