if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
