you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
