I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
how does that bad decision feel?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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