I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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