Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
