Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
