i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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