Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
