i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
