Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
my nose is crying tears of wow.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
