My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
