Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize
