Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Randomize
