Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
pop tarts are not kleenex
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
