Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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