when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
tell me about the eggs
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
