I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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