It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
