...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
