I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
