Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
