and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
