Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
how drunk are you?
Several
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
