I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
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