In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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