I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
