I must be too annoying 4 u.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Randomize
