Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
