I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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