i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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