Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
