My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
