You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
