i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
