i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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