the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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