Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
