My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
