someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I have surprise drugs for everyone
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Randomize
