Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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