Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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