MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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