I think I died a long time ago.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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