mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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