Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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