If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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