So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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