Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
