dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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